Laws on Labour's woes

Now, if it's TRUE that Michael Laws is planning a Lazarus-like political comeback with his old mate Winston, you wouldn't think he'd be too caustic about Labour. But this morning, he is - he opines:

SOMEWHERE IN John Key's prime ministerial penthouse, there is an ouija board. And he has been channelling the ghost of the late Sir Robert Muldoon.

How else to explain the weirdness of this past political week – and the resurrection of Muldoon's favourite tactic of letting the Labour Party bail the Nats out of the crap, if the crap ever looked imminent. Muldoon's favourite fetish decoy was always Labour leader Bill Rowling, who would ride to the rescue if it ever looked like the media had the prime minister in trouble.

Rowling – although more likely his unstable Labour caucus – would then self-immolate or engage in some internecine conflagration and the moment would pass. Saved by the distraction. So too it has proven this week.

National is still riding high in the polls. But this is the mid-term, and some of the country's intractable problems – comparing badly with Australia, rising interest rates, stubborn welfare numbers, land sales to foreigners and ministerial credit cards – are starting to have their effect.

At which stage hey presto! Chris Carter goes mad. In an extraordinary display of flouncy petulance the former darling of the liberal left commits the most bizarre of political suicides, accompanied by the psycho-babble of wanting to be found out like some self-harming teen yearning for the attention.

Still smarting, it would seem, from his naming and shaming for past ministerial excesses, Carter exposed the underbelly that is Labour loathing. The loathing of each other and the myriad of conflicting imperatives that keep the party in a constant state of internal broil.

Oooh! We like the direction that Laws is headed here, and from the information that drip-feeds to us, it's all fact. The Labour Party has the ability to turn against itself like no other party. And Laws continues, pointing out just what a broad church the Labour Party circa 2010 is:

Unlike National, Labour has always been an unstable mix of red left and blue-collar social conservative. Particularly the academic left with their politically correct agendas that gradually gained sway and control. The workers finally accepted this intrusion because their interests had not been abandoned – and because the Nats kept trying to remove their hard-won employment gains.

So it is then that porno-loving MPs like Shane Jones coexist with lesbian matriarchs like Maryan Street. That the bete noir of boy racers, Clayton Cosgrove, settles with softies like Charles Chauvel. And that the very strong and influential gay wing has made its peace with the Cossie Club types, who make up the majority of Labour's membership.

And therein lies Phil Goff's current dilemma, which is the dilemma on anyone who would try to lead the post-Helen Clark iteration of the Labour Party. There's little doubt that Helen Clark promoted people to fill perceived imbalances rather than on merit. Phil Goff is being left to pick up the pieces of a caucus which is far more factional than it is functional. And Chris Carter, purporting to speak for both the Rainbows and the Union lobby has exposed a weeping sore.

And Laws is at his caustic best as he agrees with Chris Carter and declares Phil Goff as unelectable. This causes us to ponder though; how does his criticism of Labour, and his de facto acceptance of a National electoral victory next year sit alongside his purported Coalition of the Egos with Winston. We reckon it doesn't. We have a sneaking suspicion that Laws has other plans, and that they DON'T involves the Unemployed Member for St Mary's Bay.

But we digress; here's the caustic conclusion we referred to (and we just LOVE the dig at David Cunliffe), written as only Michael Laws can:

Is it Goff's fault that he is unelectable? Not at all. He has ascended to the wrong job at exactly the wrong time. Mind you, he never was Mr Personality. But then who is, in the current Labour Party? There is not one telegenic frontbencher, not one inspirational captain, nor even one affable alternative. The cupboard is bare.

Indeed in the absence of Helen Clark and her former deputy Michael Cullen, and genuine movers and shakers like Heather Simpson, the Labour Party is a headless chook. Reduced to singing "Kumbaya" on the bus.

Meanwhile, Key is pursuing, for the most part, a populist agenda. And in the areas where it could embarrass or outflank this National government, Labour's inherent political correctness prevents it from doing so.

Carter's solution – which appears to include his immediate reinstatement to the good life – is no smarter. He floats the idea of Labour's finance spokesman, David Cunliffe, taking over.

Now I know, and like, David. We were at Otago University together and in the same clannish debating club. He did an outstanding job as a young diplomat in Washington DC and is, on a personal level, engaging and clever company. But David has one fatal political flaw: he comes across as an old fogey. A sort of grown-up Young Nat.

Labour do need a new leader – that's true. But they need someone who isn't in their caucus yet. And that means sitting out the 2011 election, getting rid of deadwood MPs like Hawkins and scouting for talent that isn't always gay and/or PC.

Until then we should simply view the Opposition as entertainment. Because Carter has proven bloody good spectator, if blood sport. Next, please.