The Secret Diary of Rufus Paynter and his mate David

Steve Braunais has excelled himself with his latest Secret Diary, although David Shearer might not share our enthusiasm; check this out:

MONDAY

I was chatting with one of my neighbours by the letterbox this afternoon after work when he flew into a sudden rage.

I'd seen him like this before. I admired it; social injustice always made his blood boil.

“See that guy over there?” he asked, and pointed across the road. I turned and saw a sickness beneficiary painting the roof of his house.

I could tell he was on a sickness benefit because he was in a wheelchair on account of the fact that one of his legs had been amputated. Also, he was coughing blood.

My neighbour continued, “That bastard's been up there all day painting the roof of his house when he could be looking for a job. It's not bloody fair. Do you guys support him?”

I said, “I have little tolerance for people who don't pull their weight.”

He said, “What are you going to do about it?”

TUESDAY

I couldn't believe my eyes when I got home from a hard day's work, looked across the road, and saw the sickness beneficiary painting his roof.

I'd really dealt to him last night.

I'd waited till it was dark, went to his house, crept up the ladder, tipped him out of his wheelchair, and gave him the bash. By the time I finished with him he was lying in a bloody, coughing heap, legless.

But there he was today, sitting in his wheelchair, painting his roof as though he didn't have a care in the world.

The neighbour came out to the letterbox.

“Would you look at that,” he said, and spat at the ground.

I said, “I still don't know how he manages to get up the ladder in his wheelchair.”

He said, “No, not him. Him.” He pointed at a man walking along the street.

I said, “Is he a sickness beneficiary, too?” He said, “Probably. The point is that he's a Maori youth. What are you going to do about it?” 

The story of David Shearer and Rufus Paynter isn't going to go away any time soon, and the Leader of the Opposition is just going to have to grin and bear it.

In the meantime, Steve Braunias continues to have a field day at David Shearer's expense, and we recommend that you read his entire piece. Be warned though; this is not a story to be read whilst drinking tea or coffee!